Why is it that politicians love to mess around with your food and drink? Give them an opportunity and they will find a hundred ways to tell you what and where you can eat and drink. The virus pandemic has opened the flood gates for them.
Governors and mayors have gone bananas. Governor Cuomo included. He told us we could not eat inside a restaurant. Now he says we can eat outside. But no drinking outside! Unless you have food with it.
But no chips with your booze! Chips are not food, please note. Breads, mustards and crackers – they are okay.
Nothing you could call an hors d’oeuvre is okay. How about meatballs? We have to wait for a ruling on those. Maybe if they have toothpicks stuck in them they are ruled to be hors d’oeuvres.
And nooooooo chicken wings! Those don’t constitute proper food. Tell that to the guys who eat 25 wings at a pop. Well, that IS exactly what the state told them. Wings with alcohol don’t qualify as substantive food.
Wait! Hold the mustard! Chicken wings got a reprieve. Whew!
Be extra-careful with your appetizer. If you are drinking in a restaurant – I mean outside of a restaurant – you might be allowed to share an appetizer. Or you might not. Depends on how many people are dipping into those nachos. If you’ve got too many, well, then you are breaking the appetizer regulations. The appetizer patrol might swoop in on you. The waiter might be a plant. You could end up in the hoosegow where you will get gruel, and chips.
By the way, the good governor took time out of his busy day to declare that sandwiches are the “lowest level” of substantive food. In other words, your ham n’ cheese just makes it onto the list of approved foods. I suggest you don’t push your luck with something exotic like cucumber and liverwurst.
Politicians across the fruited plain have delighted in leveling food and booze restrictions during the pandemic. In Chicago you can dine and drink and shoot at each other under umbrellas. But no tents, thank you. Tents are no-noes.
Oregon has picked up where River City left off. (In the musical Music Man trouble began with T, and that rhymes with P, and that stands for pool!) This very night in Portland you can set fire to a building and fling firebombs at police and not be charged. But don’t get caught sippin’ lager in a pool hall. You will be charged with violating the governor’s virus laws.
Better that you mosey down to the video machine gallery. Stuff coins in machines and chase villains on screens. That is allowed. Pool is not. Rioting is okay.
Throughout our history politicians have concocted bizarre laws for alcohol and food. Mayor Bloomy, for instance, banned super-sized sugary drinks.
New York used to decree that you could only enter a liquor store from an outdoor entrance. Maybe that is still the law.
Meanwhile, state liquor stores could sell you a bottle of vodka but not a six-pack of beer. Go figure. They were allowed to sell you wine, but no corkscrew. No bottle opener. No bag of peanuts. No tee-shirt. No baseball cap. No Coke. No joke.
Today the state law is that bars must serve food. To slow down your drinking. Used to be the law said bars could NOT serve food for free. No bowls of pretzels or peanuts on the bar. Because they would encourage you to drink.
Not long ago the state decided the exact price for every bottle of wine sold within state borders. Every month every liquor store got a book from the state that listed every wine, every price. Buy 100 bottles of Chateau DeRotgut in Manhattan? Same price as one bottle in North Frog Bottom. No discounts allowed.
New York was and is not alone in such stupidity. You will find ridiculous laws in every state. I wonder if most of them got written under the influence of the booze they were restricting.
Virginia once had a law that you could order a beer at a bar but could not carry it to a table. I suppose the waitress union lobbied for that law.
Nebraska bars must have a pot of soup cooking in the kitchen if they are serving suds. Not a joke.
In Oklahoma bars must serve beer warm. In Texas you cannot take more than three sips of your beer if you are standing.
Nebraska even intrudes in your love life. You show any affection toward your bartender you are breaking the law, you hussy. Or you creep. (I don’t know what the term is for the LGBTQ crowd.)
Some states ban pretzels with beer. One prohibits allowing a fish to drink alcohol. One says you cannot drink booze during a hurricane.
One state bans displays of alcohol within five feet of the entrance or cash register of a store. And not just any store. This ban is for stores that also sell motor fuel. But wait! If the booze is displayed in a cooler, it is okay.
I don’t recall which state has such a law. I just know I don’t care to visit. Even if it allows chicken wings, chips, super-sized Pepsi and pool.
Just writing about all this makes me want to have a beer. Call it the Elizabeth Warren impulse.
From Tom…as in Morgan.
Find Tom at tomasinmorgan.com. You can write to Tom at tomasinmorgan@yahoo.com.