This virus crisis has wiped out jobs, yes. But it has also created a lot of work for experts. Why everywhere you turn there is another expert. Usually on television.

We have experts in drugs and making and distributing ventilators. We have experts in when to open up and close down cities and states. We have so many experts we could lend them out to countries by the dozens.

I thought we had used up this year’s quota for child experts after the Swedish teenager came to town. She gave us her expert opinion. About how climate change is going to scorch half of us. And drown the rest of us.

Well, she came back for an encore. Couldn’t resist a bit more limelight. She morphed into an expert on the virus, the virus! Just like the Pope. He’s also an expert on capitalism and climate change. And he is infallible. You can’t get better credentials than that.

Wouldn’t you like to toss that grenade into an argument? When somebody asks how do you know you’re right, you snicker “Because I’m infallible.” Never argue with a pope. Or an Alsatian.

The Queen gave us her expert advice on how to handle this virus crisis. Reactions to the Queen intrigue me. People know she never writes a word of her speeches. She does not order up the microphones and cameras. That is not her decision.
Not only does she not write her speeches. She doesn’t change a word. She is an absolute robot when it comes to speeches. She can believe black. If her speech says white, she tells us white.

That is because her speech is written by the prime minister’s staff. Now if the prime minister gives that speech people will sing out “Wot a crock! That sleazeball!” But when the Queen gives it they coo “Lovely speech, that. The Queen was in good form tonight. Wise monarch, she is.” Well, that’s because the Queen is a respected expert in everybody’s eyes. The prime minister is just a grubby politician. Who would believe him?

We create a lot of experts in this country. I haven’t checked lately, but some universities must be pumping out graduates with degrees in expertise. That’s how many we have these days.

Being experts is something we excel at. I am not talking about our armchair and bar-room experts. Those we have by the millions. They are well-armed and at a high state of readiness. They wield the most modern weapons, called social media. If we ever get dragged into a world war between experts, why we will mop up. No competition.

But the experts I am thinking of are celebrities. Hollywood types. Television stars. And newspaper folks. We are experts, let me assure you.

Celebrity experts have had their plates full lately. They have been quenching our thirst for their expert opinions on how to handle the virus crisis. Why, they must have found a thousand mistakes Trump and his cronies have made. Not to mention the medicos’ goofups. And the blunders by those doofus epidemiologists.

Yes, the movie stars have really come to our rescue. But we expect nothing less from them. Over the years they have told us how to run our economy. And how to wage wars and conduct our foreign affairs. Bill Clinton could never have made it as President without Barbra Streisand’s expertise.

Not long ago Congress welcomed testimony on chemical pollution. From an actor. He has no scientific, medical or research expertise. But he played a doctor in a movie. So he was qualified.

Stephen Colbert worked a day as a laborer on a produce farm. A week later Congress crowned him an expert on immigration. Had him testify before some sub-committee.

Years ago Congress had three actresses testify before a Democrat farm task force. Because they had played roles of farm wives in movies. Jane Fonda was one. (She is an expert on war and communism too. Oh, climate change as well. Talk about multi-talented.) Jane had genuine credentials to be an expert on farming. After all, her father starred as a dustbowl share-cropper in the movie Grapes of Wrath.

This Hollywood expert thing is like Cinderella. This handsome fellow can be your favorite waiter. Advising you the lamb chops are perfect tonight. Next week he finally lands a role in a movie. Before you know it he is a star! Another Robert De Niro or Rob Reiner. So now he qualifies to tell millions how we should run the country.

Well, we in the media sure create our share of experts-without-portfolios. And we in the citizenry show them a lot of respect.
How often have you heard or seen comments like “Well, the New York Times said this is the right course for the country.” Or, in hushed tones, “Today, the Washington Post declared…”

Well, inquiring minds might like to know: What experts at the Times made this declaration? Somebody had to think and write it, right? The answer is that one of the members of the editorial board did. Okay. What are his credentials? Uhh…for the last 40 years he has worked in newspapers. As a reporter for years.

Did he study Expertise? Did he take night courses in running countries? Did he study political science and international affairs online? Did he moonlight as a public health leader? Is he a secret epidemiologist? We will never know. He is simply, ta ta, an Expert. Because he is on the editorial board of the New York Times. So there. Genuflect a few times, please. And don’t tug at that big curtain, thank you!!.

This all brings to mind the lyrics of a song the Smothers Brothers sang to the tune of The Streets of Loredo: “I see by your outfit, that you are a cowboy. I see by your outfit, that you’re a cowboy too. We see by our outfits, that we are both cowboys. So get yourself an outfit and be a cowboy too.” Just exchange the word “expert” with “cowboy”.

You better believe me. I’m an expert in this. You knew that was coming.

From Tom…as in Morgan.
Find Tom at tomasinmorgan.com. You can write to Tom at tomasinmorgan@yahoo.com.