Dear Governor Cuomo:
As you know, we seem to have a little corruption among the politicians of our wonderful state. In the interests of New York, may I humbly offer a few suggestions? They are on the same theme of making lemonade out of lemons. Or cat food out of stinking fish. Or soil enrichment out of manure from Albany. You get the idea.
We have corruption in Albany. You know that. Even the janitors are on the take. The State Assembly has its own wing at Rikers Island.
You are a practical guy. How about we come up with ways to use our corruption to promote the state. I’m serious.
What do states promote? Their assets. The things they do well and have a lot of.
Ahem, ahem. What do we do really well and have lots of? Duh. Hint: It’s not manufacturing. Not any more – thanks to our high taxes and crazy regulations.
What we do well is corruption, Governor. So let’s be proud of this. Let’s use corruption to promote this state! Let us turn turnips into bubbly!
How about a Corruption Hall of Fame for starters. We could televise the inductions every year. Just like pro sports. What Cooperstown does with pinstripes we can do with prison stripes. What the NFL does with the draft, we could do with indictments. “And here to accept this great honor, on weekend leave from federal penitentiary….put your hands and handcuffs together for Shelly Silver!”
We could have big conferences at the Hall of Fame. Invite politicians from all over the country. Feature headliners like whichever comptroller is out of prison. We could stage workshops on influence peddling. We could have the Boss Tweed Wing. The Dean Skelos Room. With real bars on the window.
We could sell books on how to fiddle with pension systems.
We could market money-laundering ideas. As endorsed by various of our politicians.
Slush funds. We could hold an entire annual convention on the latest advances in slush fund thinking.
And charities! We could tap into the wisdom of our political leaders in and out of the clink. They could endorse pre-packaged fake charities that we could sell to aspiring crooks across the fruited plain.
“Running for office? You need a New York charitable foundation where your supporters can deposit bribes. Our fake charity packages are designed and endorsed by luminaries like the Big Apple’s Mayor de Blasio.”
Governor, this is a golden opportunity. Just think. Soon we might be able to boast that one of our graduates became President. She is the queen of corruption. She created the biggest influence-peddling slush fund in the country. And gosh, she used to be our very own senator. Is this a great state or what?
Our state universities could offer degree programs in corruption. How to practice it. How to detect it. How to ignore it. You could create courses in that subject, Governor.
I can see new state advertising messages: “New York Is On Sale.” “We Milk More Than Cows Here.” “Much More Than Street Crime.” “Brooklyn’s Bridge Ain’t Fer Sale – But Its Politicians Come Cheap.”
I can see our new motto on the state flag: In Latin. Redere Ludere! Pay to Play.
I can see golden arches constructed over the steps of the state capitol. FOR SALE! (AND WE DON’T MEAN THE BUILDING.)
From Tom…as in Morgan.
Find Tom on Facebook. For more columns and for Tom’s radio shows (and to write to Tom): tomasinmorgan.com