Surely you must feel safer this week. I mean, after you read that a Southwest Airlines pilot made an emergency landing to protect his passengers. This was after a passenger lit a cigarette in a bathroom. (Why do we persist in using that word? Have you ever come across a bath on a flight?)
Yes, the pilot aborted a flight from Los Angeles to San Francisco. He landed at San Jose after the smoker and smoking were discovered. There was no suggestion the smoker was touching off a bomb in his shoe. We are left to believe that second-hand smoke – and the breaking of rules – was the horrible problem.
Upon landing, the smoker was handcuffed and marched off to jail. His fellow passengers were placed on other aircraft.
Whew! That was a close call. Imagine how damaged the lungs of those passengers would have been if the guy had lit a cigar? Why, the plane would probably have toppled from the sky.
Maybe like me, you hope Amtrak got the message. I am waiting for the Acela to screech to a halt at Podunkville, NJ. After a terrorist smoker tries the same dangerous trick.
Wait for it: “Greyhound passengers stranded in Kookamonga after fanatic lights up during bus trip. Bus being fumigated before EPA will allow it to return to service.”
CARNIVAL CRUISE SHIP RETURNS TO PORT AFTER CIGARETTE BUTT DISCOVERED IN CORRIDOR. Passenger tells police she was so upset by discovery she nearly jumped overboard.
CBS NEWS ALERT: “Smithport High School was evacuated this morning after a student was caught smoking in a bathroom. (Ever see a bath in a high school?) School was resumed after authorities discovered the student was only smoking marijuana instead of tobacco.” Whew! Another close call.
NOTICE TO ALL GUESTS OF THE HOTEL: All bedrooms must be evacuated due to the discovery of cigarette ash in a waste basket in one of our rooms. You will be relocated to another hotel during fumigation of this facility.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THIS IS A GENUINE NATIONAL EMERGENCY, WHICH IS WHY YOU ARE HEARING THIS ALERT ON YOUR RADIO OR TELEVISION. A SMOKER HAS BEEN DISCOVERED IN A NON-SMOKING AREA OF A WASHINGTON RESTAURANT. THE RESTAURANT IS WITHIN A MILE OF THE WHITE HOUSE. THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN FLOWN TO A SECURE LOCATION.
You get the message.
You should file the Southwest story in the same file as the “lingerie” incident from a few months ago. You remember. On a crowded elevator a British prof was asked what floor he wanted. He mumbled “Ladies’ lingerie” and all hell broke loose. Other profs were devastated. Some wanted to drum the letch out of academia.
File it with various dispatches from the political correctness front. For example: A midwest university’s Inclusive Excellence Center cautions us about mouthing terms like “Soup Nazi”. Because this would mean we minimize the Holocaust. And whoa, dude, don’t you dare say “third world” or “thug” or “lame” or “man up” or “are you deaf?” You would trod on the sensitivities of various innocents.
NY Post’s Kyle Smith recently warned us of such political correctness. Don’t let ‘em catch you saying “blind spot” or “blind alley”. Or “crazy”, “psycho”or “schizo”. One big university spent thousands warning students to never say something like “I took one look at the exam and wanted to die.” You see, suicidal folks would find this offensive.
Don’t say “No can do.” This mocks Chinese immigrants. “Hysterical” is a no-no. It is sexist. It derives from the Greek word for uterus. Don’t say “basket case”. It derives from World War I. Someone used it to refer to soldiers whose remains could fit in a basket.
As I suggested earlier, you might do best to file all this stuff together. Then bundle up the file and send it off to the Museum of the Absurd. Wait! Don’t go there. The word museum derives from a temple of the Muses. They were all male. Not allowed today. They were probably dirty old men.
In addition, “absurd” derives from Latin’s absurdus – “out of tune”. And “surdus” in Latin means “deaf, dull”. Lordy, would you be in trouble there.
Best to burn the file, I guess. And don’t tell anyone. After all, “fire” derives from the German “Feuer”. And that is uncomfortably close to Fuhrer. Which would dump you into the soup. You know, the Nazi Soup.
In your dilemma you might try to flee to Acapulco, to escape it all. Only to find yourself in San Jose. In a no-smoking zone.
From Tom…as in Morgan.
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