Let us consider a practical solution. Inspired by holy monks.
In case you have not noticed, the sensitive among us wallow in cancel-culture stuff these days. They topple statues that offend them. Or scrub names of presidents from buildings. They re-name colleges. They vilify old movies, tv shows and books that offend them in some way. They force sport teams to change their names and mascots.
They even want to close Mt. Rushmore.
Lately they aim their wrecking balls at public holidays. They tell us Columbus Day and his statues have got to go. And some states have already done away with them.
In an effort to be woke with these sensitive souls I offer a suggestion. Let us do away with the names of all holidays. And the offensive names of all cities and states.
The list of disgusting names is a mile long. It includes all the cities named for historical figures who owned slaves or figured in the slave trade. (The Duke of York was a major slave trader. So New York City and State should be at the top of the list.)
We can hardly have names of saints for cities. Religious references enrage many of our citizens. They kick you for saying Merry Christmas. Well, from San Francisco on down we have probably thousands of cities, towns, villages, streets, creeks, etc named for saints.
And on the subject of holidays, we have a lot of work to do. Lincoln’s and Washington’s birthdays must go. So does Independence Day (4th of July). It offends millions who believe this country is illegitimate.
Labor Day sounds okay. But not to those who hate the corruption, sexism and racism for which trade unions are famous. There are unions to this day that keep out blacks, women and Hispanics.
Veterans Day? It is a disgusting day to many peaceniks who feel this is a war-mongering country. Many millions are sickened by any honor going to soldiers from the Vietnam War.
Thanksgiving? After what the early European settlers did to Native Americans? They brought disease. They established a toe-hold for waves of marauding Europeans who slaughtered Native Americans.
Christmas? Easter? C’monnn. Religion is a no no.
Let’s face it. Our national holidays are all offensive to various souls. We are just going to have to rename or abolish these holidays. That is, if we intend to be fair to our sensitive citizens.
The monks offer us a solution. I mean the monks from an old joke.
A visitor is allowed to dine with monks in their monastery. These are monks who read nothing but the Bible and have little contact with the outside world.
The visitor is told that they have a tradition. They tell jokes around the table. Since the monks have been sequestered for years, they long ago ran out of jokes. So they have numbered the jokes they all have heard dozens of times. And instead of boring each other with the re-telling of the jokes they simply sing out a number.
“Number seventy-five!” Several of the monks laugh a little. “Number one-fifty!” A few more laughs.
Somebody says ninety-seven. At this, one monk erupts with laughter. He howls. He doubles-over and thumps the table. The visitor asks him why he is laughing so hard. He says “I haven’t heard that one before.”
Sorry to burden you with that. You have probably heard it before. And it no doubt offends someone among our readers.
Back to my suggestion, via the monks. We could get rid of a lot of the anger in the country these days by just numbering all the things that offend the sensitive people among us.
Christmas could be Number 77. Easter would be Number 101.
We could re-name Columbia, Missouri as Number 306. Washington and Lee University could become Number 36 and 44. Lincoln, Nebraska would be Number 12. Jefferson, Missouri could be Number 956. That has a nice ring to it, eh? Number 956.
The Washington Redskins would be Number 36-34. The 36 would be for Washington. The 34 for Redskins.
Now you may think this is a silly idea. Then here is a question for you. Do you think we are up for re-naming all those thousands of locations that carry offensive names? Can you imagine how many thousand Lincoln’s there are – among streets, schools, towns, clubs and streams?
Think how many things are named after Washington and Jefferson and Columbus. There are thousands! And no matter how many we change, the sensitive people will insist we add more.
They will split hairs and zero in on tiny things that upset and offend them. For instance, did you know California is named after a fictional island that was ruled by only black women? Hey, that has got to offend somebody.
Delaware is named for the Earl De La Ware. (I am not making this up.) There is a ballad to him in which he calls for hanging all the poor because hanging is better than starving. Well, hell, we can’t have a river, state and counties named after such a reprobate. At least that is what the most sensitive folks will tell us – after they have knocked off the more obvious offensive names.
They will want to exterminate the name of Georgia. I mean, who was the lunatic king of England who refused to give us our independence? Duhhhh. That is who Georgia is named after.
Don’t forget Illinois. That name is a French version of an Algonquin word that means “men”. Men?!!! We are NOT going to have a state named for men, are we?
The name Oklahoma has got to go. It is from the Choctaw word for “red people”. Absolutely cannot have that.
And who do you think Indiana is named for? It ain’t the Irish. Now that you are reminded of this injustice, do you think its citizens will stand for the state to be renamed Native Americans? Will they allow Indianapolis to become Native Americanopolis?
Even Native American becomes endangered when we consider America is named after Americo Vespucci. He was a damned capitalist!
I hope you can see the merit in switching to numbers for all these offensive names.
God bless….wait a minute. We will have to have a number for God too. Number 1 bless Number 22! Now let us all sing Number 22 the Beautiful.
Does all this sound stupid to you? As stupid as closing Mt. Rushmore?
From Tom…as in Morgan.
Find Tom at tomasinmorgan.com. You can write to Tom at tomasinmorgan@yahoo.com.