The Language Police nabbed another perpetrator this week. They got that serial offender, President Trump.  He called himself a “nationalist”. That is a no-no. Because Nazis were “National Socialists”.

Well, you never know when your words will trigger someone. As the LP remind us all too often. 

Suppose you are foolish enough to stroll across a campus quad this night shouting foul words and phrases. I mean really vicious, incendiary words. Like “illegal alien”. And “Islamic terrorist”. And “fat”, “Merry Christmas”, “blackmail”, “man-made”, “taxman”, “white lie”, “deaf”, “blind”, “disabled”.  

By the time you reach the admin building half the school’s students will have scurried to their safe spaces. Counselors will be overwhelmed with quaking snowflakes. I mean students. Meanwhile, campus police will have hauled you off to PC Court.

You think I exaggerate? Never forgot the poor sot of a prof who slipped a noose round his own neck earlier this year. He was at a conference of academics. When someone asked “Which floor?” in the elevator he joked “Ladies Lingerie”. His bruises have healed. But he won’t get out on parole for at least a decade.

Not to worry, you say. Between the profs and students you have to expect quirky behavior at our colleges and universities. Ahh, but this lunacy has gone on for many years. Some of the whacky grads of old are now whacky executives. They are hard at work making the world safe from dangerous words and phrases.

 You may have seen recent accounts of PC criminals they have busted. A prof used the N word to explain why we should not use it. An executive in a big company made the same error. As did an actor. He was trying to explain how the word was used in his latest film. The film was set in the Deep South during horrible times for Blacks.

Well, some people say the N word should be poisonous for all. I agree. It deserves special treatment. Others so mis-treated Blacks over centuries that whatever word Blacks place off limits is okay with me.

I don’t know about many of the other “offensive” words and phrases. They seem petty by comparison to the N word. They – and their meanings – seem temporary. In fashion, out of fashion. The way hemlines and hairstyles are.

Stroll the halls of the PC Hall of Infamy. You will find plaques for words that seem innocent today. For instance, the F word. Used to be it was only fit for Navy ships and grotty saloons. And your workshop when you hammered your thumb. Suppose you are an actor these days. You will never win an Oscar or Emmy unless you fling it about like confetti at a wedding. Sorry: Like f —– confetti at an f——– wedding.

In musty dusty corners of the Hall of Infamy hang plaques for words like whore, slut and guttersnipe. Today you might hear them in a church. Truly, a minister could use them and offend no one. 

Sixty years ago, different story. Seriously. Our village’s “extra mom” slammed me against the wall when I came out with“slut” and “guttersnipe”. Those words new to my generation. But disgusting to hers. I did not know what they meant. By the time she finished with me, I did.

I propose a national Nasty Words and Jokes Day. A day when nobody would be allowed to take offense at words, phrases and jokes. A day when we could all fling insults at each other. We would all have passes to say anything we wanted. (The N word excluded.)

I like the idea. “Good morning, you ________.”  “Same to you, __________!” “Did you hear the one about the Polish midget who came into a bar?”

I can picture parades and placards. Congress would proclaim National F_______, C_______ and B_______ Day. The White House could designate The Most Insulting Words and Phrase of the Year.

Maybe this would flush a lot of this ________ out of our ________ systems. Maybe it would clear the air.

Damned right, it would. What the hell. 

The only reason I added those two expressions is that I feel like an escapee when I write them. My grandmother would have smacked my face and disowned me if she ever heard either from me. 

From Tom…as in Morgan.Find Tom on Facebook. You can write to Tom at tomasinmorgan@yahoo.com.